I've been attempting to create a better sense of balance in my life in order to get rid of the clutter (material clutter as well as mental clutter) and move towards a direction that is beneficial and promotes growth, happiness and well-being.
This past year has been one of reflection. Being unemployed (awaiting a residency/work visa) left me with more free time than I would like/I'm used to. It also cropped up a myriad of unwanted emotions, mostly the sense of uselessness. While there was nothing that could be done about the delay in visa processing, I allowed it to get the better of me. I could not help but to feel restless, in constant search of something to do.
Although I could not work in the traditional sense, I took on several "projects" this year in an attempt at gaining more valuable work experience on the one hand but more honestly, because I did not want to have to account for gaps in my CV.
Living in a new country, there are more opportunities and less opportunities. More opportunities because there are different companies and organisations from the ones you know and less opportunities because of the language and cultural barrier.
Having worked in the non-profit sector before and being passionate about human rights and development, I looked for organisations that worked in these areas. I was happy to know that an Amnesty International branch existed in Prague, as I had always been interested in the work they do. I decided to start attending their English letter-writing meetings and it soon became a fairly regular thing.
However, I still felt incomplete. I decided to try to earn some money by doing some private English lessons. The pay was good and the kids were surprisingly clever and analytical. They were a joy to work with though I didn't feel a great sense of passion towards teaching.
A few years back, I had contemplated getting certified as a teacher and had taken the California exams for them. Somehow though, that got a bit sidetracked and I ended up teaching English in Japan for 2 years. My excuse was that I wanted to see how I would like teaching as a career but mostly, I had this great nomadic itch.
Though I thought that teaching could be my career path, I soon realised that I'm more passionate about education as an institution for change and growth than actually teaching. I wasn't a bad teacher but in retrospect, the students deserved someone who could connect with them beyond a mere informational level. I have a great respect for teachers because the good ones not only teach you math, science, history, English etc. but also inspire students to aspire.
Finding out that it wasn't the right job for me was a bit disappointing but eye-opening. So then why did I decide to search for teaching jobs when I first came to Prague and why did I take on the private tutoring? Sometimes necessity triumphs over desire. I was forcing myself to do it because I felt like I should be doing something. And as an a native English-speaking expat, it's the easiest opportunity to find. But easiness, the path most taken, I realise, is marked with a sense of longing. It may be a short path but you miss the wonderful scenery.
This sense of needing to do something never left me this entire year. I kept adding more and more to the plate, unnecessarily increasing stress on myself because I needed to feel a sense of accomplishment.
Not long after I began tutoring, I joined an environmental non-profit organisation as a Media Intern. I felt that it would be an enriching experience because I was interested in environmental policies and how governments spend money on energy projects. However, to be completely honest, the projects I was assigned to were mind-numbing and I felt that my full-potential was not realised. I tried to be positive and sugarcoat what I was doing to make it sound more important but alas, for me at least, it was absolutely boring. I really thought I would have more passion for the work since it was for a cause I supported. However, looking back at my past work experience, this seems to be untrue.
What is the correlation with work and passion? How is it that you can be passionate about a cause and not enjoy working on it? I thought, being politically-minded and aware would automatically draw me into a career in the NGO or government sector but thus far, my experiences working with NGOs have been personally unfulfilling despite my enthusiastic support of the organisation's work. Every non-profit I have worked for thus far does poignant and necessary work that needs to recognised and I sincerely believe in all their objectives. However, as I am writing this, maybe I am beginning to realise that this is not the sector for me.
This saddens me incredibly as I had always thought that this would be my career path. I have always argued passionately about these causes...it would only seem natural to want to get involved in a more profound way. I think I have forced myself to try again and again because in my mind, this was the right way. But maybe it's time to rethink my path.
I don't think the right path is one without struggle and stress but I think it will be one where I recognise that I am doing something and going somewhere and want to work harder towards it.
Was it better to force myself to do these things that weren't quite satisfying or to have done nothing at all (which is never really nothing...inaction is action in it of itself)? I can't really say but at least I know what I don't want to do (I feel like I need constant reminders of this...stubborn much?).
I've always made my life seem so put together so when it's all unraveling now, it's a big shock to my ego. After reading this, you are probably thinking that I am inconsistent and that I don't know what I want or what I am going to do with my life. You're right. I am lost but I am going to continue to try new things/paths until I find one that works for me.
Someone asked me yesterday what kind of career I am looking for. It is a simple question and before, I probably would have had a better answer but I simply said, "I'm open". It's not very satisfying but it's the truth.
As I contemplate times when I have been happy or have felt accomplished, I think of working at the Santa Barbara Film Festival. Although I was an intern, I felt useful and involved and was proud to represent the organisation. It didn't feel like work although it was a lot of work. When the film festival started, interacting with the guests (film festival goers and more high-profile invited guests) was riveting. I was constantly on my feet but I felt an actual sense of purpose.
More recently, I was happy as a graduate student. It was not so much the professors or the institution but the diverse members of my program helped me refine my perspective on world affairs in some ways and redefine them in other ways. The discussions in class gave me new insights on politics as well as global development. I felt truly blessed to be in the company of such inspired minds.
So where do we go from here? Who knows?
The end of the year is a good time to reflect and rid yourself of clutter in preparation for the new year. I need to get rid of things that are not nourishing me anymore and find things that will! I love challenges but I feel that things shouldn't feel like a constant uphill battle.
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